Episode 08 - Numbers & Lists

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Play Time Codes:

8 Reasons I'm learning to play the piano (1:21)

Parsley in 5780 (3:00)

13 Headlines I'd Love to See in 2050 (5:23)

Six Questions of When for You (6:35)

2Clean2Assholes (8:12)

This episode featured work by: Michael John Improta, Léah Miller, Yael Haskel, Julia Melfi, and Siyu Song and Michael John Improta. 

Our logo was designed by Shelton Lindsay.

Our sound is designed by Anthony Sertel Dean. 

Music for Parsley in 5780 was written and performed by Josh Davidoff.

Léah Miller is our associate producer. 

Hit Play is produced by Anthony Sertel Dean and Julia Melfi. 

Take Care!

Transcript 

Episode 08: Keeps Me Up At Night

Show Intro (0:00-1:20)

Folky electronic instrumental music plays underneath.

Julia: 8. Numbers and Lists. I’m Julia Melfi—a New York Neo-Futurist. While our on-going, ever-changing, late-night show, The Infinite Wrench, is on hold for the foreseeable future, we wanted a place to keep making art for you. And thus, Hit Play was born!  

If you’re already a fan of The New York Neo-Futurists, or any of our sibling companies, hi! We can't wait to be holding your collective hand. If this is totally new to you—welcome to it!

We play by four rules: We are who we are, we’re doing what we’re doing, we are where we are, and the time is now. Simply put: we tell stories, and those stories are our own. Everything that you hear is actually happening. So if we tell you we’re recording while it’s storming outside, we’re really recording while it’s storming outside. Like it is, right now. 

Julia: And now, Yael will Run the Numbers!

Yael: Hi I’m Yael Haskel, a New York Neo-Futurist. In this episode we’re bringing you 5 plays by Michael John Improta, Léah Miller, Julia Melfi, me–Yael Haskel, and Siyu Song and Michael John Improta. That brings us to 36 audio experiments on Hit Play. Enjoy!

Music winds down.

Play 1: 8 Reasons I'm learning to play the piano (1:21-2:59)

Michael: 8 Reasons I’m learning to play the piano. GO!

Each number lines up with Michael playing a note on the scale and noodling around a bit.

Michael: If society does collapse, we’re going to need music. I want to be able to contribute. 

Western music theory is mostly based on the piano. So if I can play the piano, I’ll understand music better. 

The best songs are magic spells. I’ve always wanted to be a wizard. 

What better way to find harmony within, than to hear it without. These days I could use more harmony.

When I picture my future, I have children. On the weekends we gather around the piano and sing together for hours. Our favorite songs are the ones with unreachable notes. It gives us an excuse to keep trying.

The last three songs on Abbey Road. Specifically the D minor 9 chord in Golden Slumbers that plays just before the lyrics (Michael sings) “and I will sing you a lullaby”.

Being able to play lullabies.

I want to fulfill the promise I made to that dusty, out of tune, unused piano sitting in my mother's home. I want to remind it that even though its wood is warped, its keys are yellow, and even though it’s oft been neglected, it holds within it the power of creation. And so do I. And so do you.

Play 2: Parsley in 5780 (3:00-5:22)

Léah: Parsley in 5780. GO! 

Clarinet underscores text. 

Léah: Today I cried about parsley. Yes, the herb. As I record this, Passover begins in a couple days and by the time this episode reaches the airwaves, we'll be in the thick of it. The Passover Seder involves the ritual eating and presenting of different symbolic food items, including the moment where we dip parsley in salt water, Karpas. 

Mary Oliver has this poem I keep returning to lately. "We shake with joy, we shake with grief, what a time these two have, housed as they are, in the same body." This is the metaphor of Karpas. We take a symbol of Spring, our joy at the changing of the seasons after our long, cold winter and we submerge it into the salty symbol of the tears our ancestors shed. It's also the metaphor of this year's Seder. The blessing and joy of digital virtual resilience where I get to share a Zoom Seder table across time zones, with the pain and loss of the overflowing table of physical community and shared ritual. 

We've been soaking our produce after grocery store runs in this time of diligent disinfecting. My beautiful fresh parsley sat in hot water for so long, withering and drooping into a wilted mess. I tried to salvage it, drying it on the counter overnight. My science-smart housemate suggested submerging the bushel in cold water to extract the salt or something and re-crispen it? We tried. It tastes soggy and floppy. 

I called my mom for sympathy, even though I knew her go-get-em spirit would start spinning with ideas on how to get me more parsley right now–Instacart, fresh direct, flying over from LA herself to get me some? So I suddenly find myself needing to stand for why I can't just go and buy more. It's non-essential. I just went out for groceries. I'll be fine. I say my goodbyes to her rising sadness and I call my friend instead. They know exactly how it feels and they groan with me. They say "But Léah, you LOVE parsley." This is who I am, I am literally known as the person who loves parsley so much, I joyfully snack on it in the flurry of Seder prep. 

But on Wednesday, just like my askenazi shtetl ancestors who couldn't find or afford a fresh green thing at this time of year–

Music cuts out. 

I'm going to boil a potato. 

Play 3: 13 Headlines I'd Love to See in 2050 (5:23-6:33)

Yael: 13 Headlines I’d Love to See in 2050. GO!

Newsroom flash music underscores.

Yael: “Another Woman Wins the Presidency; God, It’s Like, Will We Ever Have a Male President Again”

“Fossil of Last Surviving Social Conservative Donated to the South Carolina State Museum”

“Congratulations, Dog Pope”

“Facing Steep Tourism Decline, Ruins of Mar-a-Lago To Be Replaced With Raccoon-Themed Water Park”

“Martians: They’re Just Like Us”

“Revival of First Cryogenically Frozen Human Goes Smoothly; Welcome Back, Ruth Bader Ginsburg”

“This Just In: Playgrounds for Adults”

“Republican With Near-Death Experience Confirms Existence of ‘Special Place in Hell’ for Trump Administration” 

“Illuminati Apologizes for Coronavirus”

“Bob Ross’s Consciousness Uploaded to the Cloud”

“100% of American Businesses Report Carbon Negative Status”

“Success! Planet Earth Is On the Right Track”

”Success! Planet Earth Is In the Right Hands”

“Success! Planet Earth: It Still Exists, and We’re Still Here”

Newsroom flash style music crescendos and ends with a flourish.

Play 4: Six Questions of When for You (6:35-8:10)

Julia: Six Questions of When for You, Asked at Random Various Distances, at Random Various Volumes. GO!

Each section Julia speaks in varying volumes, gentle ambient music underscore. 

Julia: (2 paces, quietl speaking volume) When you hold a cup 

Do you use your whole hand or just your

Finger tips?

Julia: (0 paces, loud speaking volume) When the sun starts to set 

Can you remember the exact moment it all goes dark, 

The moment after Tacita’s Green Ray

Or does it feel like a wave washing up 

Pink and pulling back 

Navy sand?

Julia: (4 paces, yelling) When it’s a Sunday that feels like a Monday 

Do your eyes still go wide with panic 

Reciting x=−b± the square root of b squared −4ac over 2a?

Julia: (5 paces, normal speaking volume) When you take the long way home 

Do you feel yourself become 17, 16, 12, 9 in the 

Rearview mirror

And do you do it out of 

Nostalgia or

Fear or

Memorial or

In gratitude for the time passed

to be in the car as the you in this moment well past 17 or for 

A bite of everyday magic?

Julia: (1 pace, whispering) When you told me it was good you were there to 

Pray over her body

Did you mean to make me more mad than I’ll ever be

Or did you mean it out of the 

Goodness of your heart

Even if I think that Goodness is Badness

When you said that to me?

Julia: (3 paces, loud speaking volume) When is the best time to eat a piece of toast?

Morning?

With a salad for lunch?

With butter, salted— maybe raspberry jam

Or for a midnight snack?

Salty crunch in the middle of the night. 

Music fades.

Play 5: 2Clean2Assholes (8:12-10:58)

Siyu: 2 Clean 2 Assholes. GO!

Audio recorded in bathrooms, background noise.

Michael: Hey Siyu!

Siyu: Hey Michael. Describe what you see.

Michael: I'm in my bathroom. There's tiles, and to my right is my shower, I have like, a blue shower curtain. In front of me is my door and on the door is a poster of Dolly Parton looking at me. Hi Dolly! Um, what do you see right now?  

Siyu: I'm in my bathroom. Uh, there are tiles, there's a bathmat, some towels on my door, and then there's a map of San Francisco. Um, tell me about your last BM? 

Michael: Well, it was actually right before I called you. I sat down to call you and I was like, oh, I have to poop, and it was like a type 2, so it could've been better, but it also could've been worse, so that's good. How was your last poo? 

Siyu: It was pretty good, they have been pretty, um, good in volume recently, but a little bit dry so I'm working on that. 

Michael: Hm. 

Siyu: Ready?

Michael: Um, yeah. I'm ready, yeah. 

Siyu: Cool. 

Siyu and Michael: 3… 2… 1….

Sound of Michael and Siyu starting their bidets. 

Siyu: Michael we’re Neo-Futurists

Michael: And as Neo-Futurists, we are where we are

Siyu: And we’re doing what we’re doing.

Michael: And where we are is in our bathrooms, sitting on our bidets.

Siyu: And what we’re doing is squirting a stream of water up into our crack. 

Michael: The first time I used a bidet was in Japan where there was one in every bathroom.

Siyu: What a wild place 

Michael: Currently, my stream is kinda cold and I hope it gets warmer soon.

Siyu: My bidet has a massage setting. 

Michael: That sounds really fancy and I'm jealous. 

Siyu: Toilet paper is hella wasteful 

Michael: And so savage 

Siyu: And you never feel totally clean. 

Michael: My asshole is always clean 

Siyu: Because it’s so easy with a bidet 

Michael: Why do we not prioritize clean assholes as a society?

Siyu: a log in every bowl and a bidet on every seat 

Michael: if Cleanliness is next to godliness 

Siyu: a clean asshole is a holy asshole 

Michael: So sometimes on a day when I get the temperature just right I’ll linger a bit longer and I won’t even realize I’ve been sitting there for that long. Like oop, I guess I should get off now! 

Siyu: Michael, have you ever sat at just that exact angle where the stream goes up in your butthole and you give yourself a little enema?

Michael: Uh, yeah! Yeah, I have. And sometimes I don't notice until I get up and I'm like, guess I gotta sit back down for a second! 

Siyu: Now more than ever. 

Michael: It’s so important to prioritize hygiene 

Siyu: To do something for yourself 

Michael: to have the peace of mind

Siyu: to go about your day

Michael: with the quiet confidence 

Siyu and Michael: of having a clean asshole 

Sound of bidet water fades. 

Show Outro (10:58-12:21)

Folky electronic instrumental music plays underneath.

Julia: Thanks for Hitting Play and then listening to Hit Play. If you liked what you heard, subscribe to the show and tell a friend!  If you want to support the New York Neo-Futurists in other ways, consider making a donation at nynf.org, or joining our Patreon–Patreon.com/NYNF. Patreon membership gives you access to bonus content like video plays and livestreams. And if this episode gets over 1,000 downloads, we'll order one of our Patreon supporters a pizza on us. We’d really appreciate any support in these difficult times. Contributing to our Patreon helps us continue to pay our artists. 

Take care of yourself, make your own postcard and send it to a pal, and share it with us on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook.

This episode featured work by: Michael John Improta, Léah Miller, Yael Haskel, me–Julia Melfi, and Siyu Song and Michael John Improta. Our logo was designed by Shelton Lindsay. And our sound is designed by Anthony Sertel Dean. Music for Parsley in 5780 written and performed by Josh Davidoff. Thanks Josh! Léah Miller is our associate producer. Hit Play is produced by Anthony Sertel Dean and me, Julia Melfi. Take Care!

Music fades out with a snap!