(Click on a headshot below to be taken to that person’s Bio)
In the first paragraph, Jeffrey tells you a bit about himself: where he grew up, why he’s here, what living in New York is like. It’s not dissimilar to the traditional journalistic lede (5 Ws and an H).
Next, he delves into some of his previous stage experience and then follows that up with a witty quip befitting a tongue-in-cheek bio.
This part of the bio the longest and most detailed.
Finally, Jeffrey wraps it all up with a neat button that covertly encourages you to see Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind.
(baptised 16 June 1723 – 17 July 1790 [OS: 5 June 1723 – 17 July 1790]) was a Scottish moral philosopher and a pioneer of political economy. One of the key figures of the Scottish Enlightenment, Smith is the author of The Theory of Moral Sentiments and An Inquiry into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations. The latter, usually abbreviated as The Wealth of Nations, is considered his magnum opus and the first modern work of economics. Adam Smith is widely cited as the father of modern economics.
studied moral philosophy at the University of Glasgow and Oxford University. After graduating he delivered a successful series of public lectures at Edinburgh, leading him to collaborate with David Hume during the Scottish Enlightenment. Smith obtained a professorship at Glasgow teaching moral philosophy, and during this time wrote and published The Theory of Moral Sentiments. In his later life he took a tutoring position which allowed him to travel throughout Europe where he met other intellectual leaders of his day. Smith returned home and spent the next ten years writing The Wealth of Nations (mainly from his lecture notes) which was published in 1776. He died in 1790.
also, i like jumping high fives.
1. Q: Mineral?
2. Q: Animal?
3. Q: Bigger than a bread-box?
4. Q: Is it a human animal?
5. Q: Is this person male?
6. Q: Female?
7. Q: Hmmm… Is she an average white girl from the suburbs?
A: Well, I don’t know about average, but yes.
8. Q: Did she grow up angst-ridden in a town that didn’t
understand how different she was?
9. Q: Was that town buried deep in the heartland?
A: Sort of. Yes.
10. Q: Did her parents provide protective boundaries, while
at the same time nurturing her individual experience?
A: Oh yes. Absolutely.
11. Q: Did she one-day leave the comforts of home for a major
12. Q: As one child-hood friend after another settles down
with spouse and kids and home-ownership and career, does she
ever look back with a pang of regret from her ivory tower of
independent womyn-hood and wonder what might have been?
13. Q: Is she a “good person?”
A: Well, yes, she certainly tries to be.
14. Q: Does she experience guilt in relation to her
A: I don’t…wow. Yes. I guess she does.
15. Q: Did her family work hard to provide her with the best
education at a prestigious university –
A: Yes –
Q: – for which she repays them by scraping by on an
income just above poverty level in a shithole in Greenpoint,
just so she can maintain her “integrity”?
A: Yes – Jesus! Wait… are you psychic?
16. Q: Has she grown cynical?
17. Q: Are you sure? It kind of sounds that way.
A: Well…sometimes, but no way. She’s always felt lucky.
18. Q: But does she feel happy?
A: Uhhh… well, that one’s a little trickier, but I would say:
19. Q: Did she once go bowling with “Weird Al” Yankovic
at 3:00 in the morning on the west side of Chicago?
20. Q: Hmm… This is a tough one. Is it you?
A: Could be.
Q: Yeah, I guess it really could be anybody.
Ryan Good is the tallest of the New York Neo-Futurists.
Ryan has lofty goals for himself and the Neo-Futurists. He envisions them becoming giants in the downtown theatre scene, selling out big houses. When he closes his eyes, Ryan sees the entire troupe soaring, elevated hundreds of feet above Manhattan on the wings of a large bird of an unspecified species. In college, Ryan did inhale and he got very high.
Ryan has now (semi)successfully used every word listed in his thesaurus for tall in the above paragraph. He’s a little upset by the rather dated Bill Clinton reference he closed with, especially in times when there are current politicians so much more worthy of textual spitballs. However, he is rather happy with the image of the large bird.
In other, more applicable news, Ryan Good grew in stature, went to school occasionally, and consumed cheese in the state of Wisconsin from near birth until 2005. He then moved to New York to pursue a career in the theatre as a writer and actor. But some mornings he wakes up and just wants to make a project album of folk songs about the demise of his last relationship using aliens as the overarching metaphor. Other mornings he wakes up to NPR. Ryan requests that you don’t ask him about William Shakespeare, Shostakovich, early British shock theatre, one of the two Neutral Milk Hotel albums, or the short-lived TV series Undeclared unless you are prepared to hear how ingenious they are.
A final thought: Ryan was once told that you can tell a lot about a person’s inner soul by the order they rank the main characters of Seinfeld from most to least favorite.
Kramer, George, Elaine, Jerry.
Eevin has been acting professionally since the age of four with a couple of long stretches off to go to Vassar and, later, pursue some other interests. Other interests did not hold Eevin’s interest and she is thrilled to add Too Much Light to her resume which also includes credits such as Hellen Keller in The Miracle Worker (Roundabout Theater), Agnes in A Bright Room Called Day (Vassar College Experimental Theater), the title role in Presumed Retarded (Manhattan Theater Source), a white-trash ghost in Cockfighters (Oberon Theater Co.) and the perky girlfriend of a government assassin in Many ‘Cides (Prospect Theater Co.). Eevin lives in Manhattan where she also enjoys producing radio and bollywood dancing.
Jacquelyn was first wowed by the Neo-Futurists when she was in eighth-grade, and an older boy whom she had a crush on took her to see Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind, a gamble considering she’s not that into babies. Upon entering the theater, she was asked her name. Although she explicitly spelled it out for a cast member wielding a marker, appallingly she was handed a nametag that read, “Hello. My name is INDIFFERENT.” Her boy crush’s tag read “Hello. My Name is HUCKLEBERRY.” Regrettably, after that night, no more sparks flew between Indifferent and Huckleberry, and shortly after he disappeared from her life forever (something about river-rafting and a Negro friend…) However, Landgraf never quite got over being christened as “Indifferent” at such a young age by an anonymous actor who never even asked about her hopes and dreams, yet dared to judge her. And so then and there she made it her mission to someday herself become one of those damned Neo-Futurists, so to transcend her nametag, and prove that she, in fact, was not “Indifferent,” but “Undifferent,” or better yet, that she is—yes—“Jacquelyn Landgraf!!” sounding her barbaric yawp over the rooftops of anyone who’ll listen.
Erica Livingston is a really nice little bird from the south who enjoys telling you way more than you wanted to know about her life. Here’s a few things: she’s adopted, has ovarian cysts and doesn’t like birthday cake. Her first paid acting gigs were directed by her grandmother who would pay her a dollar to cough around her father when he smoked in the hopes that he would one day quit. And he did! She’s good at poker, banana pudding, and making things with felt. She’s inspired by Martha Stewart, Dolly Parton and Ingrid Bergman. She thinks it’s very polite of you to have read this whole thing. Thank you.
Lauren Sharpe is an actor, improviser, dancer and clown who recently made the move from Chicago to NYC. While in Chicago, Lauren performed site-specific spectacles with Redmoon, also appearing in “The Golden Truffle” and “The Princess Club.” Lauren has also worked with The Chicago Neos and has written for/performed in “Roustabout: The Great Circus Train Wreck!,” “Picked Up” and “Fake Lake,” a play performed in and around a Chicago Park District pool. She is a member of Barrel of Monkeys, a company that teaches writing workshops in public schools. By day, Lauren can be found clowning in children’s hospitals with Big Apple Circus Clown Care.
Alicia spent most of her life in Lincoln County, Missouri where her giant extended families don’t really understand her, but love her anyway. They really do. Her favorite animal is the chinchilla. She wanted one ever since she was 3 and saw them on Sesame Street’s Creature Feature. She got one for her 17th birthday and named it Grendel after the monster in Beowulf. Which was sort of ironic since she always pictured Grendel as a giant Gremlin.
1972 – First haircut completed without incident 1973 – Birth of sister 1974 – Bananas enjoyed for last time 1975 – Meets best friend, Matt 1976 – Decides to trust maternal grandfather after day spent at zoo 1977 – Fall in love with (chases) Anna, a kindergarten classmate 1978 – Draws a mouse’s house on a plate for art class 1979 – Plan to dress as Jawa for Halloween scrapped due to height 1980 – Python escapes from local zoo, found in neighbor’s back yard 1981 – Birthday cake shaped like football despite a lack of interest in the sport 1982 – Secures first acting role as Templeton the Rat in school production of Charlotte’s Web 1983 – Considers double-feature of Empire Strikes Back and Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan highlight of life thus far 1984 – Reads 1984 1985 – Buys and wears ugliest shirt he will ever own 1986 – Perfects sliding down staircase on foam, fold-out chair 1987 – Loses wallet (a birthday gift) day after birthday 1988 – Advanced Trigonometry 1989 – Hides in closet at friend’s house during failed attempt to have party 1990 – Has photo taken next to llama and goat in Oklahoma 1991 – Helps roommate hide in dorm room closet to avoid ROTC duties 1992 – First snowball fight 1993 – Attends Secretaries Karaoke Night at Holiday Inn in Lubbock, TX 1994 – Stays awake for 70 hours, a personal best 1995 – Gets lost somewhere between York and Leeds 1996 – Mops 5,000 square feet of dance floor at honky-tonk 1997 – Drives 1,200 miles in 36 hours 1998 – Considers visit to Iwatayama Monkey Park in Kyoto highlight of life thus far 1999 – Has photo taken next to llama and goat in Wisconsin2000 – Consumes first hot dog in over a decade 2001 – First DVD purchase: Raising Arizona 2002 – Directs first opera 2003 – Purchases luxurious feather pillow 2004 – Receives New York Public Library Card 2005 – Followed by an English Blackbird during entire 15-minute walk around village in SW England 2006 – Updates bio
Greg Allen is the Creator of “Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind” and Founding Director of The Neo-Futurists. Although most of his time is spent creating Neo-Futurist works in Chicago, he has managed to venture out to join The New York Neos from time to time since he started up the New York company in April of 2004 with John Pierson. He has had other full-length productions premiere in NYC as well, including “The Last Two Minutes of the Complete Works of Henrik Ibsen”, “Jokes and Their Relation to the Unconscious”, “My Father, The Chair”, and his adaptation of Kafka’s The Trial called “K.” which won him the Best Director Award in Fringe NYC in 1997. His co-production with Theater Oobleck, “The Complete Lost Works of Samuel Beckett As Found In An Envelope (partially burned) In A Dustbin In Paris Labeled ‘Never to be performed. Never. Ever. EVER! Or I’ll Sue! I’LL SUE FROM THE GRAVE!!!,’” has had four runs in NYC alone and was picked as one of the ten shows to be remounted by the New York Fringe as one of their best productions of the decade. Greg teaches Neo-Futurism at the University of Chicago and Actors Theatre of Louisville and in residencies all over North America. He lives in Chicago with his son Noah and daughter Simone.
I have always wanted to belong to something, so I jumped at the opportunity to join the New York Neo-Futurists. For a long time (a little over 38 years), I’ve been a member of the African-American community, but my affinity to country music constantly puts my membership in jeopardy. I am spared the chopping block because of my lack of knowledge of the music of The Beatles.
When I was a child, I wanted to belong to Menudo or the Drummond Family on “Diff’rent Strokes.” Unfortunately, national talent searches never reached me in not-so-rural North Carolina. To help ease the pain of an ordinary life, in high school I joined the show choir, Key Club, French Club, the Rifle Team, my church youth group, the Drama Club, Perfect Attendance Club, Honor Society, Junior Marshals, and S.A.D.D. I became President of Student Council and a minimum-wage earner at around the same time.
In college, I embraced my blackness by reviving the black theatre organization on campus. It was in the theatre where I embraced my gayness (which has never been in jeopardy).
It was as an adult in New York City when I realized that all of my memberships were either short-term (relationships), risky (Off-Broadway gigs), or sketchy (AEA, SAG, AFTRA). I recalled that I had always belonged to an artistic community, so I decided to commit myself fully to my career, for better or worse. Since then, I’ve committed to my relationship, several teaching artist organizations, the business theatre community, the voiceover world, and FringeNYC. I am also a member of Loretta!,a long-form improv group. I now know the importance of commitment, so as a Neo-Futurist I look forward to playing the race card (because that’s the only way I can keep it).
For more info about my commitments, visit me at http://www.kevinrfree.com.
Heather agrees with the frequent observations that she is “tall,” walks “kind of fast,” and is “sort of snobby about books and movies.” She would add to this that her proclivity for pizza and Law & Order re-runs is great, she does not call her mother as often as she should (Sorry, Mom), she still wonders if tollbooth workers are robots (don’t they ever have to go to the bathroom?), and the sight of dollhouses or anything miniature dissolves her in joy. As an actor, Heather has worked with the Shakespeare Theatre of New Jersey, Prospect Theater Company, the Looking Glass Forum, and the Kraine, among others. She has taught mask and physical theatre to elementary and middle-school students in North Philadelphia, as well as led high schoolers throughout the tri-state area in workshops focusing on Shakespeare’s text and language. She holds a BFA in Acting, with Honors, from The University of the Arts, and has trained with the British American Drama Academy, National Theatre Institute, and Pig Iron Theatre Company. Her first play, Fissure, premiered at the 2005 Strawberry Festival in New York, where she currently serves as a contributing editor for the print version of Opium Magazine.
I left the UK for America in 2006, armed only with a jar of marmite, 4 mini-cans of Baked Beans and my dreams. Forced to leave my spacious Notting Hill flat, after finding my lover Hugh Grant in our queen-size – mid-shag with his lover Keira Knightley, I hopped a double-decker to the airport with my mother’s (Kristen Scott-Thomas’) words ringing in my ears: “He’s a wanker, a total bloody wanker and you’re best shot of him love”. Alone in my grimy studio apartment in Bed-sty, I stood weeping in my big pants, necking Earl Grey straight from the pot, with only my monocle and the framed picture of Dame Judi Dench for comfort. I thought of the Queen. I felt bad. Then I thought of Prince William. I felt worse. Then I thought of Prince Harry, and continued to think of him for a good 3 and a half minutes, until I felt better. Good enough to stomach a big meat pie, get lashed up on pints of warm lager and look to the future with the stoicism inherent in my nature. Look to your own lives. When you’re down I’m there, cracking one of my brilliant ironic jokes.
Adventure seeker, chocolate connoisseur, Sagittarian dreamer, organizing madman. At the age of 17, Joe saw TML for the first time and misunderstood the rules. He called out numbers during a play! Learn from his mistake. He loved the performance and hoped one day to do the same. After playing such roles as the Stinky Cheese Man, Warrior #3, an elm tree, Lambchop, lesbian dancer #2, cracked-out drag queen chasing cab, and making his television debut as an inconsiderate sales clerk at Baby World, Joe finally played himself with the Neo-Futurists.
John Pierson has been a Neo-Futurist for 11 years. He auditioned and co-taught the original Brooklyn cast. With the NY neo-futurists he has performed at The Lyceum, the place in the back of the dark bar with the tiny balcony, the place on the small street that was under construction most of the time, and The Kraine. John Pierson is also known as Jughead the co-founder and guitarist for the seminal pop punk band Screeching Weasel (now defunct). He is currently playing in his new band Even In Blackouts. Jughead is also know as the writer ian pierce who has penned 15 full length plays and one novel called Weasels In A Box.
Lusia has not written a website bio yet.
She is busy chasing dreams & unicorns ridden by monkeys.
So trust us she is busy and a superstar!
I am not some other girl. I am Desiree Burch. I have spent my life laughing like a bicycle horn. I am built like a small tree. My hair grows up toward the sun. People like to agree with me, because I am most often saying yes. I believe in yes. No is terribly drab. I grew up in Southern California, in a sorry, suburban-ass place, that remains with me in artistic action and reaction. I lived through a series of best friends and prime-time television shows until (and I guess maybe through) my sophomore year. Then I joined the caravan of drama geeks, and discovered I was a social genius. Finally, rose-tinted glasses in the right prescription. I decided that I didn’t want to know the same people I grew up with, and went off to Yale. Majored in theater, and minored is what David Sedaris would refer to as “Bong Studies.” But then again, I am definitely not running for office anytime soon. It was here that I picked up a penchant for foie gras, surrealism, wearing daring coats and surrounding myself with throngs of gay men. I say, you only get one shot: live decadently! By the time I graduated, I was too broke to move home, so I lived off lots of lovely floors and futons around New York City. Now I live in Queens. So we’re movin’ on up. If I made a million dollars tomorrow, I wouldn’t move. Thanks to some deep-seated Bob Vila-like skill, my room has become my rose—I have tamed it. So now you know: I am both funny ha-ha and funny strange. Which makes me inclined toward things like writing, acting, solo performance and stand-up comedy. Which is what I do, when I’m not all over NYC, stickin’ the truth all up in your face. One day I’ll be deified. Already, I am a woman, and an Aquarius, which is close. I only hope the world can covet me for all that I am worth. I want sobbing at my wedding and laughing at my funeral. Okay, maybe it all doesn’t have to be that absurd. A Dixieland-style procession through Central Park is fine.
Katrina Toshiko likes the Neo-Futurists. You can find out stuff about Katrina on Facebook. Or you could probably find out stuff about her by doing a Google search. What you may not find out is that her likes include: fresh fish, biomechanics, having enormous unauthorized crushes the kind that make you hide behind yourself and float like a butterfly and sting like a bee, Jean Pierre Jeunet, popping popcorn in her underwear. Dislikes: slugs unless they’re being burned with salt. Me, when I pretend I am so bad-ass that I go around killing slugs.
Lindsay joined The Neo-Futurists at roughly the same time another Lindsay Hunter was acquired by the Boston Celtics. This second Lindsay Hunter was described in an article in the Babson Free Press of Babson College, MA as “a player on his last legs.” Lindsay was named after the Bionic Woman, Lindsay Wagner. The year Lindsay Hunter (the Neo-Futurist, not the NBA hoopster) graduated from high school, Lindsay Wagner made the movies “Men Who Hate Women & the Women Who Love Them,” and “Bionic Ever After?” Lindsay looks forward to her golden years with a mounting sense of dread.
Marta Rainer has performed her acclaimed one-woman show Unaccustomed to My Name across America and internationally since 2001. She is on the acting faculty at Wellesley College, New Actors Workshop/Antioch University McGregor (her almae matres!) and New York Film Academy. Favorite non-Neo and decidedly illusory roles on stage/in film include: Woman (Laughing Wild), Eva (& screenwriter, Radio Cape Cod), Carol (Oleanna), Sylvia (Sylvia), Sir Andrew Aguecheek (Twelfth Night), Trinculo (The Tempest). Marta has been Assistant Director to Second City founder Paul Sills (Yeats: The Stories of Red Hanrahan), and more recently—satisfying the part of her that holds a B.A. in Russian—on Classic Stage Company’s production of Chekhov’s The Seagull. Published works include profiles of stonemasons in The Stone Primer (Storey Publishing), and numerous magazine features, including a cover story (Small Room Decorating) on the skinniest house in America! Marta, a proud founding ensemble member of the New York Neo-Futurists, was active in the company until 2006 – the year the company was honored with the Innovative Theatre Award for Outstanding Performance Art.
After leaving the Neo-Futurists, MCC did some plays, gained some weight, lost some weight, gained a little more, grew a beard, did a few more plays, some short films and “webisodes”, learned to enjoy Salmon, battled acid reflux, hosted video podcasts for VH1’s Best Week Ever blog and read one (maybe 2) books. Michael is currently doing some plays, gaining & losing weight, growing his beard and then trimming it and growing it back again, enjoying Salmon (every now and then), battling acid reflux and hosting video podcasts. But he’s not reading. That’s boring! Get out there and find MCC online…
Molly is a performance artist, ukulelist, and Russianist. She had the immense privilege of joining the original New York Neo-Futurist company in 2004 and remained an active Neo Futurist until spring of 2006 (though she could still return, so watch out). When not writing, directing, and performing two minutes plays, Molly enjoys exploring the realm of intersections between academia and performance, theory and practice. Well…she may not always enjoy it, but she’s trying. She is a very proud Aunt and lover of Wallace Shawn plays. Other artist that inspire her are Miranda July and Leslie Hall Keeper of the Gem Sweaters. In addition to her work with the New York Neo-Futurists Molly spent three years as a performer/collaborator in the Massachusetts based theatre company Sirius Theatre under the artistic directorship of Stephen Haley, former member of the Polish Laboratory’s International Company. In 2001 Molly travelled to Southern France with the company to work with Enriquè Pardo at his Choreographic Theatre Symposium. Molly has also studied at the St. Petersburg Theatre Arts Academy in St. Petersburg, Russia. She holds a B.A. in theatre and Russian literature from New York University and an M.A. in theatre and performance studies from Brown University.
You’re in good hands with Omar. Have Omar your way. Omar, take me away. Please don’t squeeze the Omar. The Omar never sleeps. Omar’s what your right arm’s for. When Omar absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. Say Omar with flowers. Beanz meanz Omarz. Snap! Crackle! Omar! Omar lickin’ good. You can break a brolly, but you can’t o-nacker an Omar. Got Omar? It’s Omar time! Just do Omar. Lipsmackin’ thirstquenchin’ acetastin’ motivatin’ goodbuzzin’ cooltalkin’ highwalkin’ fastlivin’ evergivin’ coolfizzin’ Omar. It takes a tough man to make a tender Omar. I liked Omar so much I bought the company. It’s a lot less bovver than an Omar. The UnOmar. Omar’s everywhere you want to be. Breakfast of Omars. You give us 22 minutes, we’ll give you Omar. Let your Omar do the walking. www.subfab.com
Regie Cabico is a third generation samurai who hails from the state of Maine! Regie is a distant relative of the infamous killer, Elizabeth Bathory, who bathed in her young servant girl victim’s blood in order to stay youthful and beautiful. She would often rip out their eyes with her own two hands, much like the Papin Sisters did to their employers at Le Mans. Incidentally, the Papin Sisters inspired such plays as The Maids and My Sister in This House. Regie has not appeared in either of these, however this may explain Regie’s thirst…but not for blood. For WORDS! And ART! He has been a performer since the age of 1, debuting in the Bus& Truck tour of HurlyBurly. Regie can be seen in the background of several reality television shows, and if you look closely you can read his lips. Often he is muttering about male genitalia and how it should secrete alcohol. He gets a kick out of sneaking his musings past the censorship board.
I know why the caged bird sings. I hear America singing. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America. I think, therefore I am. I think I can. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. I like the nightlife. I like to boogie. I like Ike. I like New York in June. I like to eat apples and bananas. I would like to buy a vowel. I wanna rock and roll all night and party every day. I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam I Am. I can’t believe it’s not butter. I can’t believe I ate the whole thing. I can’t get no satisfaction. I cannot tell a lie. I did not chop down that cherry tree. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. I don’t know why I love you, but I do. I want you so bad, it’s driving me mad. I want my MTV. I want an Oompa Loompa. I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I have a dream. I forgot my mantra. I got jungle fever. I will survive. I did it my way. I got you, babe. I tawt I taw a puddy cat. I see dead people. I say potahto. I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. I shot the sheriff. I wandered lonely as a cloud. I left my heart in San Francisco. I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country. I do. I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I am not a crook. I am the decider. I am woman; hear me roar. I am an invisible man. I am a rock. I am an island. I am the eggman. I am the walrus. I am a material girl. I am the Alpha and the Omega. I am Spartacus.
My horoscope on the day I was asked to be part of the Neo-Futurists in February 2004 captured me very nicely. On that day it read in the New York Free Press:
Leo (July 23-August 22):
“Don’t give too much away. Although in some respects you’re a very private person, only sharing your innermost self with a select few, you are awfully open about much that others might not be so quick to impart to total strangers. Where you draw the line between private and public is constantly shifting. It occasionally veers towards extremes: on one side, people find themselves hard pressed to find out anything real about you; on the other, they may witness more of your inner workings than they’d wish. Since finding an appropriate balance between dorky over-share and alienating stoicism is essential this week, keep close tabs on how much you give of yourself and how much you keep.”
Even though I make a point of reading my horoscope every day, I don’t place much stock in it. I did find it strangely appropriate that day. I was about to be part of the Neo-Futurists, a group hellbent on the personal and timely, and my horoscope told me to watch what I say?!?
With respect to all of the astrological hokum, here are several things about me that you might have known or didn’t care to (keep in mind I’m playing my cards tight):
1) I live in New York in a tiny apartment for way too much money.
2) I was raised in the mountains of Virginia, moved to North Carolina, then Kentucky for a year,
New York for a while, Florida for a few months, and now I’m back in New York City.
3) I have two sisters.
4) I do pick my nose when no one is looking.
5) I don’t have any brothers.
6) I sometimes wear my underwear twice when I’ve run out of clean ones or I don’t wear any at all.
7) I’m an uncle.
8) One of my second favorite movies of all time would be Harold and Maude.
9) I love Peter Sellars, Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton.
10) The last book I read was The Man with a Shattered World by A.R. Luria.
12) I’m in love with the most beautiful woman in the world.
Some of my friends have described me with the following qualities (I think they were just being nice for most of them.):
1) Weird random sense of humor.
2) Reservedness, when you choose to speak it might be something important.
4) Calm constant quality
5) Keen sense of observation
When I’m in a bad mood, they’ve said:
1) You say certain things without thinking about them.
2) You’re standoffish/Closed off.
3) You get very short.
4) You move quicker.
5) You unleash without reserve.
6) You’re reclusive.
You really know nothing about me.
Chisa Hutchinson has decided to abandon herself to the inevitability of people making assumptions about her based on what she looks like. So go ahead. Take a good look at the photo. She is what you think she is.
Claudia Alick is a black bisexual Buddhist from Missoula Montana. She likes to write stuff like plays and poetry. She doesn’t like talking about herself in the third person but bio’s are usually written that way and Claudia doesn’t want to “make waves”. Please be impressed with her many awards and credits which include a “frutie” from The Fresh Fruits Festival, calling Condoleezza Rice a “house nigger” on HBO’s Def Poetry Jam, rocking a righteous Mohawk in the indie horror film “TerrorMarketers”, and helping Kanye West on his last album. She recently completed her Masters Degree at NYU where she got a special award for smarty-pants book-learning or “academic achievement” as they call it. Her hobbies include string theory, comic books, watching TV, and indulging in her imagination. Claudia supports her lavish lifestyle by freelance writing, guest lecturing at Universities, teaching, and performing for spare change.
Bill has married another Neo-Futurist (Jenny Williams) and will one day create babies that will not be blinded by too much light and rule the country in four year increments.
“scrapping” according to urbandictionary.com
1. scrapping (69 up, 5 down)
fighting, physical fight, punching, hand to hand fight
2. scrapping (14 up, 6 down)
the act of taking any item not nailed down, preferably items that can be sold at the scrap yard. i.e. steel, aluminum, copper to make a living
“scrapping” according to Ricardo Gamboa
that sh*t that white ladies from the Midwest and South do (when they’re not bedazzling jean jackets) to make tricked out photo albums that still have a hand crafted nostalgic feel
Kate Jones – Who is Kate Jones? It’s an intriguing question and one that cannot be easily answered with a few quips about her life or her demeanor. Because, you see, who are any of us really? Are we the sum of our experiences? Our likes and dislikes? Are we our passport stamps and Darth Tater dolls? Are we our video game consoles and Merchant Mariner Documents? Are we our Karlstad sofas and coaster collections? Are we all of these things, and none of these things at the same time? It is likely that we are carbon-based (unless you’re a phosphorus based being, in which case, drop Kate a note and say hello or whatever it is that your culture uses for a salutation) life-forms (Kate would like to note that she is not a carbon chauvinist and does not mean to offend), but that’s certainly an absurd place to begin a bio. Unless you are a total nerd. Then it might be a good place to end.
Kate Jones is a carbon based life-form.
Christopher Borg – Actor, director, dialect coach, and back-up vocalist, Christopher Borg acts busy but he’s been seen wasting time doing stand-up at the legendary Comic Strip Live as well as Jimmy’s No. 43. A fan of the Neo-Futurists for many years, Borg was accepted into the group recently by promising sexual favors (which no one has even requested yet!)
The founding member of improv groups: Group X in Washington, DC and Show Your Teeth in Salt Lake City, Borg mostly exercises comedic muscles in the theatre; New York Credits include Modern Living for LaMaMa, Etc. Penny Pennyworth, Mr. Company; The Gay Naked Play; Lean Love City; Job Strikes Back, and Night of the Beansnake for Emerging Artists Theatre; A Perfect Relationship (2003 OOBR Award) and What The F**K? (2003 OOBR Award) for TOSOS II; The Sabbath Queen for Storahtelling, Bury The Dead for the Stage Door Acting Ensemble, Nothing for Ontological Theatre, The Crackwalker at Soho Rep., and My Alice for Esperance Theatre Co. Regional Credits include the critically acclaimed solo The Only Thing Worse You Could Have Told Me at Church Street Theatre in Washington, DC, Shakespeare’s R&J at The Folger Shakespearean Theatre, DC., Bent for Washington Shakespeare Co., Pterodactyls and Ruthless for The Source Theatre Co., Gross Indecency for the Studio Theatre, Raised in Captivity for the Woolly Mammoth Theatre, during 2 Seasons at The Shakespeare Theatre at the Lansburgh Borg appeared in School for Scandal, Taming of the Shrew (playing Kate in Act I!) and Henry IV Parts I & II among many others. At Pioneer Theatre Company he appeared in The Grapes of Wrath , Henry V , and The 1940’s Radio Hour.
Borg was seen at Cannes as “Paul” in film festival favorite What are the Odds , sings & plays the shaker with the band “Utah Mafia” and received training at the University of Utah ‘s Actor Training Program and the Acting Fellowship at The Shakespeare Theatre at the Lansburgh.
A big proponent of Independent theatre he proudly donates time to the New York Innovative Theatre Awards – celebrating Off-Off-Broadway and building this rich and diverse community. Borg couldn’t do it all without the help of his trusted right-hand man for the past 11 years, Desmond.
Flor De Liz Perez – Excerpts from the fascinating, anxiously anticipated upcoming autobiography by Flor De Liz, “Life, Love, Inappropriate Usage of Mathematical Figures and Verbosity: Pages from my diaries throughout the years”. Please, I invite you to read every single word. Enlightenment follows.
Date: 7/19/95, aged 10
What’s up Di [Diary named after Princess Diana]?
I’ve been very busy this past month. Did you know that my mom, brother and I went to Pennsylvania for a week as soon as school was out? We had fun, then came back. Anyway school was out last year on the 28th. And last Saterday me and Danny, my 6 yr. old, really cool, nosy cousin my aunt, mom me and my brother went to Rye-Playland and went swimming and on really fast rides. This Friday I’m going to ADVENTURELAND with my T x1,000,000 B x1,000,000 F x1,000 Shanequa, Danny, Josh (my lottle bro), my aunt and my mom. And on Saterday, I’m going to go to S.D. [Santo Domingo], my country, by myself, ‘till September. And yes you can go too. I can’t wait to go to the pool and see my numero uno T xinfinity 1,000,000 B xinifinity 1,000,000 F x1,000,000, Lisbeth. Her parent’s and my mom were’ TBF’s when they were kids and they still are! So me and Lisbeth are now. And I know you are thinking about what Cupid did. Well, here is:———- Cupid’s Update———–Mom=<3=Micheal and the regular couples. As for me…I know I vowed not to be boycrazy again ‘till 16 and up but I can’t help it. I’ve only got my eye on Eric. The boy who I think is the CUUUUTEST Boy in school. But, he only sees and likes me as a friend so whats the use liking him. so Besides him I don’t like any other boy. (Yet)
See ya Di,
P.S.-I’m going to be 11 next year and I’m going to 5th grade. Whoope!
Date: 4/11/99, aged 14
Whaddup? Nuthin here, besides my protesting having 2 go back 2 school 2morrow. Well, nothing much has really happened since the last time we wrote, except that on the 9th (Fri.), I was chatting w/ Eric (az usual!) +, somehow, we alwayz get on the sub about me <3in him + any other day, I wudda said “W” except that day, I told him it wuz true. He said I messed up everything. I asked how + he said he cudda gotten w/ me. I said cudda/wudda/shudda but didn’t + N E wayz, he’s already gotta girl. I just hope that 1 day (when he’s single) he’ll realize he still likes me. Oh well, in other newz, in about 4 dayz, we gotta b packed + outta here. I still can’t blieve we’re movin! New life, here I come! Oh, + guess what? 2morrow is Eric’s 15th b-day. The only thing 2 make that day complete is 4 him 2 hear my voice! (Just playin’!) Well, I’ve gotsta get 1 sleep so I’ll write my poem lata.
[High school happened. The years of serial crushing on Eric came to an end. Studied at Bucknell Univ. in PA, traveled abroad and decided that the theatre would be my life. Went to grad school for acting at UNC Chapel Hill in NC. Fell in love. Then back in NYC for acting, confusion, musings, inspiration, drudgery, family, a healthy obsession (read: I have to have one every day) for the 50 cent bags of Dipsy Doodles found at my corner bodega. Eric became engaged…to someone else. That’s ok. Fell out of love. Still seeking that mind-blowing connection. Got a new journal. Wrote the following–]**
Date: 3/19/11, aged 26
It’s my 26th birthday today! My mother tells me I was a very happy baby–calm, easy going, laid back, very advanced (sipping from a straw at 7 months, walking at 9 months). I came into this world with stress and fighting (my mom had to have an emergency C-section because the doctor couldn’t find my heartbeat…my umbilical cord had become emaciated and no blood was flowing through. It was wrapped around my ear AND I was crowning. So I’d begun a fight for life. Literally. A fight to be born and take my place in this world. Then, as they tried to put an oxygen mask on me, apparently I began clawing & pushing them away…stringy little thing. But once I was settled, I slept, & slept, & slept…& ate & ate & ate! I gained 10 lbs in a few months. By the time I was 10 months, I was 22 lbs! Healthy and happy). So though I came in fighting, I took things in stride once I was here. Calm, would try/do anything my mother asked of me (not shy with strangers or anything), appreciated culture (sat silently through concerts at Carnegie Hall) & education (sat through my mom’s psych classes at Queens College). People were surprised at how calm, quiet and adventurous I was. Now, on this day, 26 years after my birth & welcome into this life, I’m reconnecting with the essential me and how I’m taking care of others & myself. NYC is an incredible place . I feel incredible in it…in the rush & rhythms, stop & go, high hopes, sunny days, dark clouds, wrenching, lightening fast, thrilling sea of life that is life in this city and industry. So here we go!
Date: 3/6/12, Tuesday 7:40 am
DAY 1–A NEO IS BORN.
Hello! Greetings all! Yes-I’m Flor De Liz-one of the Newest Brand Spankingest Neos!!! Family. Lifelong. Crazy challenging! I still remember the first time I saw them…Oct. 13, 2010. Ah yes. I wrote a love letter to the ensemble afterwards, stating how I was simultaneously blown away and warmly enveloped by their energy, enthusiasm, honesty, creativity and love. Frickin’ excited to see what happens next!
Chris is an actor, director, writer, professor, and in his spare time he is a homemaker and full-time father. In the past he has done some stuff, and he is currently planning more stuff for the future. In the meantime, he is here for you if you need him.
These are all the Best Actress Oscar nominees & winners I can think of in 10 minutes:
Felicity Huffman (should have won)
Renee Zelwegger (should have won)
Others in non-specified years:
Supporting actress (2 minutes left):
Long Island raised on the beaches of Montauk. Jess is a magi a healer and free spirit. She cares about you and is making the world a better place one day at a time. You can too. Why not? Really. Why do you too? Go forth and find your way. Theater is one way. Okay. Why are you still reading this you should get to the show already?
After happily losing a bet to Dan McCoy in 2010 about how late moms will stay awake for downtown theater, Chie hopped on the Neo-Futurism train and has ridden it ever since.
Since moving to New York in 2010, Chie has worked with a variety of wonderful companies and ensembles, including Joey Parnes Productions (Vanya and Sonia and Masha and Spike, End of the Rainbow, Drama Desk Awards), The Public Theater, Heather Christian and the Arbornauts, Extant Arts Company, Panicked Productions, Ars Nova’s ANT Fest, Fresh Ground Pepper, and art.party.theater.company, concentrating on producing, casting, and movement. In her free moments, she is also a freelance casting director and producer and is an Associate Artist and resident photographer for UglyRhino. She also occasionally moonlights as an aerial artist. www.flavoredphotography.com
Sarah Livant, Technical Director 2014-2016
Sarah began in Alabama, where she earned her boating license for no reason, and has now come to be in New York, where they took away her boating license she earned for no reason. She studied many things at Sarah Lawrence College, and then started stage managing. Sarah is often surprised she is not as small as she was in 6th grade and one of her greatest personal challenges is learning to speak at a volume loud enough for people to hear her on the first try. “Don’t forget,” she will tell you, “failure is sometimes more valuable than success.”
Em Reaves – Emmylou Harris (born April 2, 1947 in Birmingham, Alabama) is an American singer-songwriter and musician. She has released many chart-topping albums and singles over the course of her career, and has won 12 Grammys and numerous other awards. Born in Birmingham, Alabama, Emmylou Harris spent her childhood in North Carolina. In high school she also won a drama scholarship to the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, where she began to study music seriously, learning to play the songs of Pete Seeger, Bob Dylan, and Joan Baez on guitar. Leaving college to pursue her musical aspirations, she moved to New York, working as a waitress to support herself while performing folk songs in Greenwich Village coffeehouses. www.emmareaves.com
Leah has parents. Leah has parents who do not support her lifestyle. Leah is co vice president of RPG club at her high school. Leah sings to drown out the voices in her head. Leah plays nine instruments. Leah plays in a marching band. Leah needs to do geometry homework. Leah sucks at math. Leah is almost 15. Leah has been in two musicals, the sound of music and Shrek!, both as an extra. Leah is overweight, but doesn’t care about it. Leah is gay, and loves it. Leah is gender neutral. Leah doesn’t give a fuck. Leah is human.
this is the essence of art.
~the stanley parable
Aziza is a girl who lives in Toronto and doesn’t know what she wants or how to get it but she knows something. That something may or may not be how to make a pie graph using a protractor.
Kristen Carbone was Born: Hot-As-Crap, serious
Date of Birth: 9 months after some kick ass Phil loving, donkey kong style
She went on to attend the Prestigious lower school “Sacred Heart” where two of her professors were kicked out for fondling the wee students, but have no fear! Nay, no fear at all, she was in no way involved (so she says, ahem!).
After her mother removed her from this school she lived in Mexico for reasons unknown, except she came back with astonishing skills at making gorditos in a very short period, her record: 9 seconds! But don’t eat too many–enough said. Well, perhaps not enough said, the stuff gives Diarrhea a new name.
Then she came back to Buffalo and went to middle school, hitting puberty
harder than a slap on the butt from this biographer. Christ Almighty did she hit puberty! A lot of boys liked her–she didn’t partake in the nookie
because she is not a tard like some of those southerners that we see so often on Ricki Lake.
Then she went to high school. She won the highschool cross country
championship when “accidentily” entered into the wheel chair competition. She did so well here that she swam in the special olympics and was the only person to finish the lap–no, I am merely kidding. If you think I am funny, or cruel, Kristen is much funnier.
Also, the buffalo bills came and watched Kristen during this time in shame
that they couldn’t keep their own eyes on the prize as she could. The buffalo bills suck, dear readers, as I am sure you know full well. Especially that Bruce Smith–dude should have taken his original career as dog
psychologist–at least there he would get to touch the red rocket.
At skidmore college she introduced Aliesha to me and promptly we eloped since I am not really her type I had to kidnap her and take her to the harsh glacial region of the French Alps, where we lived under the ice for months and made two sweet babies, both named Kristen, because Kristen simply, essentially, is my Goddess.
Now she works somewhere far away from you and I, but we trust she is okay, at least that is what she says. Whatever I will have you know about Kristen, there is simply one word to describe her. Hot. No, not hot really.
Simultaneous. No, ok, I’ve got it. She is “not dumb”.
I wish you and yours all the best and remind you–once and for all–that
Carbone is more man that you will ever be!
Sincerely, utterly, perplexidly,
“What we lack in style, we make up for in obscurity.”
-Tom Stoppard, Rosecrantz and Gildenstern are Dead.
Leah is often told that she is a people person, but she is not so sure. She knows she only likes smart people. Dumb people go in the category of cats, and Leah is definitely not a cat person. Leah’s last cat peed in her tub. In the free time that Leah does not have, she enjoys cooking, cleaning, and being barefoot and pregnant. In reality, she has never done any of those things, except at her theatre. Leah mops a mean bathroom and is often pregnant for the sake of improv. Currently she is wearing her hair in a “faux” hawk and is pleased to have a reason to say “faux” on a regular basis. Before this hair cut she had to bring “faux finishes” into conversations very “uneloquently”. Leah wishes that more people tipped well and that it was easier to be a lawyer. Studying for the LSAT is not nearly as interesting as studying for a drinking contest. Leah will accept all challenges to be in drinking contests, even though she is guaranteed to loose. Leah can be found on stage being silly every Thursday night. She is silly the rest of the time too…just nobody pays to see it. If you have a challenge, enjoy improv, or just want to see a bartender catch a water bottle in her cleavage, visit Leah at Whole World Theatre on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday. Remember to tip, because smart people do–and for crying out loud–don’t ask where the bathrooms are, otherwise Leah is going to mail you her cat. He just needs a new home!
Chris Diercksen is a man like many other men. He is, at the time of writing this, and as many other men have been before, around 24 years of age. He has many strengths and many weaknesses. Some of those strengths and weaknesses are evident upon meeting him, such as his ability to get along with most anyone, and his inability to notice when he’s not getting along with someone. He’s from new jersey and doesn’t apologize for it. He’s not of Italian descent and doesn’t think of himself as anything more than American. Chris does a lot of theater in New York City and hopes to do it well enough to someday not have to do anything else with his time. He hopes to get married and have children but doesn’t want to do it just because. He hopes to really love someone enough to make an honest commitment to life partnership. But Chris isn’t ready for that big of a step right now, so don’t ask. He also likes Hockey enough to talk your ear off about it whether you like it or understand it or not. Chris knows how to juggle devil sticks.
Katie Rizzolo [Joey’s niece] lives in McLean,VA. She has not lived to see much of the world (One other country* other than the US to be exsact [sic]) so she can’t really say much here. She has seen many activities such as chorus, piano, flute, soccer, swimming etc. She is very active and has many trophies, two of which are very large. She is very afraid of natural disasters (terrified).
Josh Jacobs was born in Ohio, but upon realizing that would make him a Cleveland Browns fan was moved to Washington DC before he was one year old and lived there for 25 years. He was appallingly ugly as a child and teenager, and drop dead stunning and brilliant as he got to his mid-20. Josh found he was going to have that annoying girl trouble when he wasn’t ugly and living alone for the prime years of his existence because he never learned how to court women in his youth…
He went to college a lot because he was smart, and still does. At 25, he had a quarter life crisis after he was rejected from being a high school teacher for being “too lectury” so he moved to New York City where he runs housing for a university so he can keep studying. The girl trouble remained in place during the move.
By sheer luck he found TMLMTBGB which, as far as Josh could tell, catered to him as if it was Broadway with a bad case of ADHD. Women like Jacquelyn Landgraf started giving him nametags that told him for that night alone he was Mr. Indifferent for that evening. Jeffrey tried his best but couldn’t stifle his laugh when Josh told him one night that his name was Darth Caedus, which means he is at best a closet geek and anyone else laughing is too. Josh goes to the show once a month or so.
Josh saw Joey’s penis during a play a few weeks back, and as he saw it the first thing that ran through his head was, “Huh, so that’s what Joey’s penis looks like.” It was replaced by the thought that if the field trip of residents of his building he had brought to the show had seen that play Josh probably would have been fired from his job at the housing department where he works. Josh still thinks it was a good play. Josh hopes to one day become a member of the cast and is secretly writing plays to audition with.
Caroline Claflin was born Caroline Alice/Aliss Claflin in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania in the first month of 1987. Upon being born she was promptly swept away to Massachusetts, where she has since lived. Although she doesn’t remember seeing the city of Harrisburg, Caroline imagines it as something like Oz or the rugged mountains of Wyoming.
Caroline–an only child–was given free reign over all of the stuffed animals, afternoon tv programming, and food on the bottom half of the refrigerator without competition or protest. Her social skills lacking, Caroline enjoyed staying at home after school and drawing. At age 7, her favorite things to draw were dragons and cats in dresses. At 20, she prefers drawing large lumpy animals that resemble middle-aged men and people in improperly-fitted clothing.
When she was 7, her ideal occupations included paleontologist, grave digger, and animator.
When she was 10, Caroline was asked to spell her middle name. Her grandmother, Nancy “Gam” Allis Claflin, had come to visit for a weekend and one night, cornered Caroline and her parents in a room. Turning suddenly, Gam asked Caroline how to spell “Allizz” (note: here spelling has been changed to avoid resurgence of debate), the “middle name [they] share”. Despite frantic gestures from her parents, Caroline spelled “A-L-I-C-E”, the way she had been taught. Her grandmother feigned (?) sobs of misery at the tragic misnomer; Caroline has still never heard a stranger sound.
At 17, Caroline first tasted an egg.
At 18, she was accepted to RISD; she now lives in rhode island.
At 19, Caroline set on the career path to become an animator.
She has still not yet dug a grave or discovered a dinosaur.
Joey was born in Acapulco, but moved to St. Petersburg at a young age. He eventually moved to the states as a teenager, but never quite lost his penchant for canals.
Joey believes that old people don’t know more than young people. He thinks it’s just had a longer time to sink in.
Joey wants to work the land. Joey thinks blood is the best sauce. Joey knows the third step is always, always to profit.
Finally, Joey has a bad case of the fuckits today, so he left his bio up to the whims of a faceless stranger from an unknown land. Joey is impulsive that way. Or curious. Or lazy. He’s never sure which it will be, or which it was at the time. It depends upon the weather. And how he’s feeling. And how much he has to memorize for next week’s show.
Joey believes that less is more, and his favorite five-dollar phrase is “heuristic maxim.” Joey never, ever, ever stores turnips in his golden bowl.
Joey was last seen in the title role of the epic dramatization of Bernie Madoff, Made-off which toured the Federal Penitentiary System throughout New York State and Guam. Joey’s mellifluous voice is often heard on radio and television as the voice of Mr. Underpants, “It’s not right unless it’s tight”. Stage credits include Egg in Joe Egg, Nerd in The Nerd, the Corpse in Corpse. In the Japanese Soap Opera, East of Everything, Joey played the evil, western tycoon Sterling Merlot. As a five year veteran of the program, he was charged with murder once (acquitted), put on trial for mail fraud (two years imprisonment), survived three attempts on his life (poisoned sushi, a deranged sumo wrestler, exploding universal remote), and was married seventeen times (three times to the same woman, once to a man posing as a woman, once to his long-lost half-sister). He received the Japanese award for advertising excellence for his role as the spokes-duck for Yo-Yo Pools and Ponds. Joey currently lives outside of New York City with his family. He credits God, Stella and the Japanese Mafia for all the bounties that have come his way.
*This is one more country than the real Joey has ever been to.
**The identity of the author of this bio is unknown, but Joey admires the audacity of anyone (like Chris Casquilho & Shami McCormick) contacting him and choosing to pose AS him.
Roberta Colindrez – is but a wee lass. In fact, she feels like just yesterday she was packing up the u-haul and moving her life to New York City. You see, Roberta was born a mutt in 1986 in Monterrey, Nuevo Leon, Mexico to a hard-ass Argentinean mother and the cutest Honduran father ever. It was there Roberta established her lifelong dedication to silent observation- fully participating in parades for schools which she didn’t attend, hanging around groups of people she’d never really talk to, and doing her best to not laugh audibly all the while. But then her family moved to AMERICA. Houston, Texas where she refused to go to school as much as possible until the police had to come a-lookin’ for her at her house. So she went. Every single day from 2nd to 10th grade, when she started skipping alot. In the 4th grade she had sex-ed class in which she pretended to know what all the other girls had already been gossiping and bragging about doing for the past year. The boys were given a condom and she a maxi pad, which she actually used in an act of desperation years down the awkward road to womanhood. In late elementary school, her family again moved. This time to Austin, Texas where Roberta discovered performing. An immediate and irreplaceable relationship began. And so she went on to college and there experienced everything a young girl should. Drugs, sex, music, theatre. Also she received a BFA in Acting. It was awesome. Once graduated, she left behind the easiest and most pleasant lifestyle in Austin and moved to the big apple thing. It wasn’t awesome at first, and then for a while more. But then! Then she discovered the Neo-Futurists and reconfirmed her mission in life. She auditioned, and was accepted. And is now here writing this bio and is f&^%ing thrilled to be doing so! This has all happened in less than one month. How time flies…
Such a sober intoxicant, me…
I once walked a straight line down a crooked path while touching my nose to the glass half empty I’d just drunk fully after narrowly breast feeding the entire village it took to raise me, the child who’s got her own…
I’m a gal with great gams, leglessly spiral dancing this straight line down juxtaposition’s pole. Stuffing “dollar-dollar bills yo” down my own damn g-string, making change ere I go…
Yeah, I’m a 150 ft. baby doll and as such, yeah you can see up my dress. I’m bodacious and shy and anatomically correct (although it has to be said I’m in possession of parts with dust on ‘em.) . I once made a daisy chain for my hair out of prepubescent school girls but it didn’t look nearly as cool as I thought. The meaning of life discovered me but I wouldn’t consent to the 25% commission… I still freelance.
Oh I’m a competition stilt runner, it kind of runs in the family I adopted… I test mustards for their inherent twang, a gig I picked up while at the Grand ‘Ol Opry. I’m the super hero, Epiphany Girl, I swoop down when indecision and stilted thinking takes hold and with the fervent fluttering of my lashes the clouds part and the subjects of my ministrations have a delightful “ah-ha” moment that I beautifully underscore utilizing this small synth that I keep hidden beneath my cape. And when people are on tenterhooks I assist them using this clever little extraction device kept wedged in my cleavage.
This may be TMI but what the hell, I poop multivitamins… Unless I’m under the weather and then well, I ooze this fizzy vitamin C concoction that tickles like hell… What can I say, I never get colds but I’m very prone to getting the hots…
If we ever go down and you and your peeps want to know the score, you should stick with me, cause for better or worse I’ve got the black box. I know more than I care to… And as a rule I care more than I know how to quantify…
And I’m happy as hell to have my new NY Neo Futurist smell…
Cecil Baldwin – can cure his pathological speech impediment through confidence alone. Cecil wears a large oven-mitt suit to work and is risky, risky, risky. Cecil doesn’t even care about the money but he does take part in joyous dance numbers. Cecil will destroy your brain with a silver fire extinguisher before you even know what he’s up to. Cecil’s Boston accent could be described as “shaky at best.” Cecil probably wouldn’t ride a public bus in L.A. either. BLAM—Cecil’s gonna knock you out. Cecil (son of Cecil, son of Cecil, heir to the Baldwin throne) finally returned that ring he carried around, like, forever. Cecil looks killer in a bob haircut and bugle beads. Cecil is almost positive he did not imagine winning that Nobel Prize for Economics. Cecil wonders, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?” Cecil prizes his collection of Nazi tableware and video-recorded garbage caught in the wind. Cecil, doff thy name, and for that name, which is no part of thee, take all myself. Cecil’s heart will go on, and on, and on…. Cecil has been known to convalesce overlooking the rolling hills of Tuscany. Cecil’s rallying cry makes you forget the fact he’s wearing a plaid skirt. Cecil wishes he could turn into a bird and fly far, far away. Cecil’s little, red raincoat still couldn’t save him in the end. Cecil thought he was dead, but later found out he was just in Nebraska. Cecil puts the lotion in the basket, or else he gets the hose again. Cecil keeps putting his fingers on his head like horns and showing you his butt. For goodness’ sake, Cecil just wants to go to the Piggly Wiggly! Cecil illegally counts cards (but it’s totally fine, ‘cause he doesn’t really know what he’s doing anyway). Cecil just wants to know what’s happening on the other side of that damned wall! Cecil humps three clicks to find Charlie—but finds himself instead. Cecil is not from Mother Africa, but he will one day return to her. Too many notes, Cecil, too many notes. Cecil will always be laughing through the tears, not the other way around. Cecil will walk all the way to the sea if he has to. Cecil will only run in slow motion. Cecil is everyday people. Cecil calmly makes french toast…. Yummm, french toast.